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DOG OFF
Pam and I have been spending time watching porn cat-sitting for Cheryl and during this time I have come to realise why, although I do enjoy the occasional cat (in the Biblical sense? i hope not), I am not a cat person. To fully realise my reasoning, you must realise:

1. I view the cat relatively human-like.
2. What the cat is like as relatively human.

Imagine you have a roommate.

figure 1


After a full day, you head off to bed. You close your eyes in the darkness and begin to relax but then become aware of another presence in the room. You open your eyes to find your roommate staring at you, expectantly.

figure 2


Oh, and your roommate's pupils are the size of nickels.

figure 3


The two of you just look at each other for a moment, then your roommate disappears into the darkness without a sound.

figure 4


You manage to almost fall asleep when you feel the presence again. This time, your roommate is staring at you from a different location, considerably closer to your face.

figure 5


Your first instinct might be to knock your roommate away but then you remember that your roommate constantly carries around these really sharp knives purchased off an informercial that was playing on that one channel that's in one Asian language you don't speak and has subtitles in another Asian language you don't read. On top of this, your roommate cuts people at random with these knives. Your roommate believes this is all in good fun and that anytime is a good time for good fun. In the infomercial, a man you believe to be an important Asian political figure uses what you're under the impression is supposed to be the "dull" butter knife to slice through a 1990 Buick LeSabre with 137,218 miles on it. You have never seen your roommate use these knives for anything related to the preparation of food.

figure 6


Your roommate scurries off into the darkness again, once more without a sound, but gives you only a few seconds to freak out about this latest episode as you soon hear your roommate scrambling haphazardly, apparently completely devoid of the quiet grace in use only seconds earlier, over your furniture, running head-first into a stack of boxes, leaping to the side, glancing over at you quickly, then trying to play it cool, like everything that just happened went exactly as planned and oh, were you watching all that finesse? 'cause that was nothing for a smooth character such as myself. At least as much as one can look like that while featuring pupils the size of nickels.

figures 7 & 8


Eventually, you manage to fall asleep. Around 4:30 AM you wake up, opening your eyes just in time to see your roommate move silently out of the competely darkness before you, halting just before your face for another episode of expectant staring.

figure 9


The exact details of the flawed system of logic you latch onto in order to convince yourself you'll survive this and every following night are hard to pin down exactly but somehow you get enough sleep to get up in the morning and get yourself ready for work, school, masturbation, or whatever it is you do all day. On your way to the bathroom you discover (inadvertantly and with one of your limbs) your roommate has thrown up in the middle of the floor, as per usual, and somehow this is supposed to be okay. Your roommate is, of course, watching all of this from the top of your dresser.

figure 10


Now make breakfast.

Seems this entry has become a bit popular. Cool! Hello, everyone! Glad you enjoyed it!

Some of you have been asking if you can link to this. Yes, you can. Totally cool with me.

Comments

( 167 comments — Comment )
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ladyclayton
Oct. 11th, 2005 05:54 am (UTC)
omg Dave, I thought of you yesterday. Your icon was in the SkyMall catalogue. That catalogue has so much awful CRAP in it. But your icon is funny. :)
nodogsonbeach
Oct. 12th, 2005 02:00 am (UTC)
Hahahaha! I first saw my icon on my flight to San Jose for the U2 concerts in April and I couldn't stop laughing at it. Every time I saw it I would just bust up. I would even start to laugh just thinking out it. IT'S SO FUNNY!

Susan and I spent a good portion of that flight drawing all over stuff in the Sky Mall mag. I really hope some random person ended up being able to see what we did because it was so funny!
(no subject) - spooke - Oct. 20th, 2005 09:09 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - nodogsonbeach - Oct. 31st, 2005 10:52 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - spooke - Oct. 31st, 2005 12:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
dynamicsymmetry
Oct. 11th, 2005 05:54 am (UTC)
Now imagine you have three of these guys.

Spot on, man.
nodogsonbeach
Oct. 12th, 2005 02:03 am (UTC)
HOW DO YOU SURVIVE?!
We have seven. - sirriamnis - Oct. 18th, 2005 10:45 pm (UTC) - Expand
la_woman
Oct. 11th, 2005 06:04 am (UTC)
Bwahahahaha!
simu2fan
Oct. 11th, 2005 06:10 am (UTC)
LMAO!!! you just described my cats to a tee!! soooooo freaking funny!!! :D
nodogsonbeach
Oct. 12th, 2005 02:04 am (UTC)
Cats is crazy!
(no subject) - froggystyle - Oct. 19th, 2005 09:43 pm (UTC) - Expand
packt
Oct. 11th, 2005 09:02 am (UTC)
oddly enough this makes me miss sketch.

the post had me cracking up laughing while i had tissues stuffed in my nose cos i'm getting sick. thanks for helping pam take care of sketch though while we were all gone. i'll have to take you guys out to lunch or something.
nodogsonbeach
Oct. 12th, 2005 02:08 am (UTC)
It should. He was my muse for this artistic endeavour (or whatever).

You're welcome, it's no problem watching porn entertaining your small mammal.
(no subject) - packt - Oct. 13th, 2005 08:39 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - nodogsonbeach - Oct. 15th, 2005 07:28 pm (UTC) - Expand
ruidoso
Oct. 11th, 2005 05:24 pm (UTC)
PUPILS THE SIZE OF NICKELS!

this was so motherfucking funny. i am so linking this in my journal. after the squee dies down from billy boyd covering jeff buckley. because genius of this magnitude demands a large audience.
nodogsonbeach
Oct. 12th, 2005 02:09 am (UTC)
I WILL BE FAMOUSH! SHANTASTIC!
(no subject) - ruidoso - Oct. 19th, 2005 02:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - nodogsonbeach - Oct. 21st, 2005 01:50 am (UTC) - Expand
nostalgicecho
Oct. 12th, 2005 06:02 am (UTC)
oh god i'm laughing so hard... seriously. that's exactly what they're like. ;p
stateless
Oct. 13th, 2005 06:17 pm (UTC)
so perfect. and yes, why sketch is locked up with cheryl at night. :-P
nodogsonbeach
Oct. 15th, 2005 07:29 pm (UTC)
Indeed!
zilxy
Oct. 14th, 2005 05:45 pm (UTC)
nodogsonbeach
Oct. 15th, 2005 07:28 pm (UTC)
Creepy!
(no subject) - zilxy - Oct. 15th, 2005 07:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
tenar
Oct. 14th, 2005 10:07 pm (UTC)
was led here by ruidoso. died from laughing. thanks. :)
nodogsonbeach
Oct. 15th, 2005 07:28 pm (UTC)
You're quite welcome! :)
overloved
Oct. 18th, 2005 02:52 pm (UTC)
so spot on
you only missed the part where, when your roommate sees that you are awake, they climb up onto your chest, and perch against your breastbone, with the heaviest of their weight resting on your ribcage.
sproing
Oct. 19th, 2005 05:08 pm (UTC)
Re: so spot on
Oh, it's even BETTER when it's right on your stomach or bladder.

Or when they run quickly across the bed BARELY missing your boyfriend's sensitive areas ;)
Re: so spot on - overloved - Oct. 19th, 2005 06:01 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: so spot on - (Anonymous) - Oct. 19th, 2005 08:19 pm (UTC) - Expand
consciencekitty
Oct. 18th, 2005 04:42 pm (UTC)
Do you mind if I post this in Note to cat? LMAO
ladytabitha
Oct. 18th, 2005 08:38 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA*gasp*AHAHHAHAHA

Never has my usericon been more appropriate.  :D
ladytabitha
Oct. 18th, 2005 08:38 pm (UTC)
Hmm... I agree with my icon, but I meant this one.

*still giggling*
tisana
Oct. 18th, 2005 08:51 pm (UTC)
Beauty.

And yeah, I'd have gone nuts by now if humans did it, but hey, my cats are cute. And oddly, I do tend to attract the psycho types, too. Hmmmm....
theweaselking
Oct. 18th, 2005 08:51 pm (UTC)
Despite the awesomeness of the comparison, I disagree. Psychotic tweakers aren't cute, fuzzy, affectionate in a good way, and small enough for me to throw out the window with one hand should I feel the need to.

If they were, I might keep one of those for a pet, it's true.
pacalissanctum
Oct. 18th, 2005 09:00 pm (UTC)
Found you via onceupon.

Even as a crazy cat person, this made me laugh so hard, I snarfed my water. I'm linking you. :)
(Deleted comment)
kutay
Oct. 18th, 2005 09:26 pm (UTC)
That was hilarious. I'll be leaving my friend with my two (and she already has three of her own!). =)
pzb
Oct. 18th, 2005 09:26 pm (UTC)
Like many others, was pointed toward this via a multiude of journals. :D

My gods....dead on....and yet, I still put up with it... Maybe I do need to be institutionalized.....
kylecassidy
Oct. 18th, 2005 09:31 pm (UTC)
oh my. that was most marvelous. splendidly done. let me know when the book comes out. i'll buy two.
rans_curse
Oct. 18th, 2005 10:34 pm (UTC)
xD Wonderful. This describes one of mine perfectly-- the other is as we call her. Princess.

Sent here by gryfeathr who got it from telophase
tkappleton
Oct. 18th, 2005 10:38 pm (UTC)
I was sent here by ladytabitha. Definitely glad I clicked. I am staring at my two little hellions now and trying not to laugh as they nickle and dime me (one is a kitten). :)
vmisery
Oct. 18th, 2005 10:58 pm (UTC)
Oh, man. I'm glad class hasn't started yet, I was browsing LJ before class start, and just started cracking up. Thanks for the laugh!

My psychotic roommate also likes to sit in the bathroom sink for no apparent reason at all. It's especially disturbing if anyone actually has to use the bathroom.
hederaivy
Oct. 19th, 2005 09:59 pm (UTC)
you're not alone. Have you seen http://www.catsinsinks.com? If not, go. Swallow first to avoid keyboard drownage.
(no subject) - vmisery - Oct. 19th, 2005 11:58 pm (UTC) - Expand
Not a hippo in the bathtub this time.. - mamabare - Oct. 26th, 2005 02:23 am (UTC) - Expand
christymarx
Oct. 18th, 2005 11:57 pm (UTC)
LMAO!

Now trying having SIXTEEN of them.

I lost my sanity long ago...
rachelmanija
Oct. 18th, 2005 11:59 pm (UTC)
That was hilarious.
(Anonymous)
Oct. 21st, 2005 02:30 pm (UTC)
cats
Rofl anything cats do is ok with me.. I was once adopted by the worlds best cat {Floyd} for 12 yrs-thought I'd never have another, then was asked by my son to take Chico? quickly renamed him Stretch--he was living with their 3 dogs--we hit it off immediately--wonderful cat---both Siamese--j'ver notice Siamese act like dogs a lot of the time.? Had one that could bark. I LUV CATS.
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